


by heart

by diana_hawthorne (dhawthorne)



Series: Private Lives [20]
Category: Law & Order
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-09
Updated: 2019-05-09
Packaged: 2020-02-29 05:11:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,396
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18771874
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dhawthorne/pseuds/diana_hawthorne
Summary: She finds it ironic that she, who is supposed to have all the answers to the mysteries of the human mind, is unable to answer the most basic questions about her own life.Set May 2001.





	by heart

She’s wilting from exhaustion and the heat, the intensity of which is surprising for the middle of May. At least the school year is finally over. The students from her senior seminar have graduated and one of her graduate students has received her Ph.D. She’s happy for them all, though she will miss them. Two of the young women from her senior seminar have taken at least one class with her every semester for the four years she’s been teaching at Barnard, and she’s worked with her grad student for three years. It will be strange not to see them any longer, though she hopes they’ll keep in touch for more than just recommendation letters.

At least she’s done, and has the rest of the week and the weekend free--she only sees her private clients on Mondays and Wednesdays now. She’s almost home. Her husband is out of town on yet another book tour for the latest edition in his series. Their nanny, Winnie, is watching Caroline.

The bus comes to a halt at her stop and she makes her way to the exit. She gets off and the heat slaps her. She wrinkles her nose and takes a deep breath before walking the two blocks home.

The air-conditioned lobby is a relief. She smiles at her doorman, collects the mail from the desk, and heads to the elevator. She can’t wait to be back home, to see her daughter… The elevator opens on her floor and she steps out, digging her keys out of her purse. She unlocks her door and opens it to the sound of ‘MommyMommyMommyMommyMommy!’ She just manages to close the door behind her as her daughter barrels around the corner and into her arms.

‘Mommy home!’ Caroline declares and she holds her daughter tight. Caroline was obviously in the middle of the bath, because there are soapsuds on her shoulder and she’s dripping wet. It doesn’t matter--she cuddles her close and drops a kiss on top of her head.

‘Hi, darling. Were you taking a bath?’

Caroline nods and Winnie appears, holding a towel and looking sheepish.

‘Sorry, Liz,’ Winnie says. ‘She heard the keys in the lock and just leapt out of the water.’

‘That’s fine,’ she assures Caroline’s nanny. She looks down at her daughter, who is smiling up at her. ‘Darling, why don’t you go with Winnie and get dressed in your pajamas while I get changed, hmm?’

‘Stay with _you_ , Mommy,’ Caroline insists. Looking down at her daughter, she’s overwhelmed with love for her, dizzy with it. Her little girl… 

‘I’ll be right there, sweetheart,’ she promises. ‘I’ll just get changed and be right with you, okay?’

Caroline nods and she releases her, letting Winnie take her by the hand and lead her off to the bathroom. She straightens up and takes off her shoes, then leaves her purse on the bench next to the closet. She locks the front door and heads down the hallway to her bedroom, listening to Caroline chatter away to Winnie. She closes the bedroom door behind her and changes out of her now-damp dress and into shorts and a sleeveless polo shirt. It’s warm in the apartment, and she’d turn the air conditioning on if it wasn’t meant to storm tonight.

She hears a knock on the door and she crosses the room to open it. Caroline and Winnie are standing there and Caroline darts into the room, hugging her legs as she bends down to pick her up.

‘Caroline hasn’t had dinner yet, Liz,’ Winnie says. ‘But she’s all bathed and she had her snack at four. We took a bath early because she was all sticky from the park.’

She shifts her daughter in her arms to check her watch. It’s six and Caroline has dinner at seven, with bedtime at eight.

‘Thank you so much, Winnie,’ she says. ‘Listen, I thought we’d head up to Connecticut tomorrow--’

‘Yay!’ Caroline interjects, and she turns her head to smile at her daughter.

‘You’re welcome to join us, if you’d like, but if not, that’s fine too.’

Winnie smiles. ‘Thanks, Liz. I’ll come up for tomorrow and Friday, if that’s all right.’

‘Perfect,’ she says. ‘I thought we could take the train up--my mother will pick us up from the station. I thought we’d take the 9:15 train.’

‘Great,’ Winnie replies. ‘Do you want me to meet you here or at Grand Central?’

‘Grand Central is fine. Why don’t we meet at 8:30, by the clock?’

‘Perfect! I’ll see you then. Good night. Good night, Caroline.’

‘Goodnight!’ Caroline chirps, waving at Winnie as she smiles and leaves.

‘So, how about we order pizza?’ she suggests to her daughter. Caroline beams and her heart flips over. She loves her daughter so much. She’s so glad to have this time alone with her, during these two months when Ben is away… 

He’ll miss her second birthday, but it will probably be better without him there. He really hasn’t warmed to Caroline at all. On days when she works late but he’s home, he’ll ask Winnie to stay late rather than put Caroline to bed himself. She didn’t realize this for a long time, because Winnie would never ask to be paid for the extra time, but one morning when she was leaving for work Winnie had asked if she’d be home late. She said yes, she had her senior seminar, and Winnie said that she wouldn’t be able to stay to put Caroline to bed because she had a doctor’s appointment that evening. It broke her heart. 

‘What do you want on your pizza?’ she asks her daughter, firmly shoving all thoughts from her mind. 

‘Pepperoni!’ Caroline declares, and she smiles.

‘All right, sweetheart. Why don't you go into the living room and play while Mommy orders dinner?’

Caroline nods and she sets her down, watching her daughter run down the hall. She is such a good girl, very well behaved, although Ben wouldn't allow her to be anything but well behaved. _No, stop,_ she tells herself. They have seven more weeks alone together. Winnie will be taking a vacation in five weeks and she can see if Mike will want to spend the day with them. That will be good.

They've been snatching an hour or two, sometimes an afternoon, every month of Caroline’s life. It's easy to vanish without questions--Ben is singularly uninterested in anything to do with Caroline, so she takes her out for the day and he doesn't notice or care. They meet at museums sometimes--the Met, when she was an infant, and the Natural History Museum now that she's older. Sometimes they go to Central Park. On rare occasions they'll meet at Sant Ambroeus or Melon’s--only when Ben is out of town and her family is similarly occupied. He doesn't come to the apartment. They make plans by email. They rarely speak on the phone.

Sometimes she thinks that she made a mistake in not leaving Ben on visits when he's at his best--holding her, talking to her, adoration shining in his eyes. And other times she's--not glad of her decision, never that, but--relieved. Relieved that despite Ben’s faults, he is even-keeled. Because sometimes Mike meets them and he is gruff, or short-tempered, or locked in himself. Sometimes he makes Caroline cry and he’ll look at her, helpless, before leaving without a word. 

Despite that Caroline adores him. Every time she sees him she runs to him, wanting a hug, wanting to have him spin her around. Even before she could talk she'd chatter to him, eager to share her life with him even if it was in a language they couldn't understand. She's never like that with Ben. Maybe it's because his indifference is just a part of their relationship. Maybe it's because most of the time… at least half of the time… Mike is thrilled to see her. 

That first time they met after he came to the hospital the day Caroline was born… if she hadn’t been hopped up on painkillers after the emergency cesarean, and exhausted with trying to breastfeed and lack of sleep, and dizzy with love, she never would have picked up the phone a week after she was born, when Caroline was asleep and Ben was at his club, where he’d been spending most of every day since Caroline was born. Her parents had gone back home, reluctantly, and Nicky had been there that morning, but she’d just wanted some time alone with her daughter.

Caroline fell asleep after her lunch, and she’d put her in the bassinet in the living room, and she’d just felt compelled to call him. It went to the answering machine and she’d said, ‘Mike, it’s me,’ and he picked up the phone.

‘What’s wrong?’ he asked, his voice tense.

‘Nothing’s wrong,’ she reassured him. ‘She’s napping.’

‘Yeah? How’s she doin’?’

‘She’s perfect,’ she said, feeling tears start to well up. ‘If you want to see her--’

‘Yes,’ he interrupted. ‘I want to see her.’

‘She has a doctor’s appointment next week. Thursday at 10. We could… run into each other, get a cup of coffee.’

‘Yes,’ he said. ‘Where and when?’

‘That diner we used to go to. At eleven.’

‘I’ll be there.’ He paused and said, ‘you doin’ okay?’

‘I’ll see you next Thursday,’ she told him, and hung up.

And that Thursday… they were early, but he was earlier, and they could barely speak to each other. She finally told him about Caroline’s doctor’s appointment, how she was in the seventy-fifth percentile for height and fiftieth for weight, how she hadn’t yet gained back her birth weight so the pediatrician said to supplement with formula, and that she was a good sleeper. He absorbed everything she told him but didn’t ask any questions, didn’t ask to hold her. He barely looked at either of them, just looked down at his coffee mug.

When it was time for her to go, he asked if he could see them again. She’d nodded, unable to speak, and he asked if he could see them next month. She agreed, told him that she’d email him, and he wrote his email down on a scrap of paper. And they settled into this bizarre routine, seeing each other once a month… storing up memories of the false life that she had with him, with their daughter. She just wanted it to be real so badly.

She sighs and walks over to the phone, dialing the pizza place to order their dinner. She's told it will be there in twenty minutes and, after hanging up, she goes back to see her daughter. 

Caroline is in the living room, curled up in one of the slipper chairs flanking the fireplace, cuddling the stuffed toy--a bunny--that Mike had given her a few months after she was born. Her daughter named her Topsy, after her favorite Peter Rabbit bunny, and Topsy went everywhere with her. Right now Caroline is chatting to her, telling her all about her day even though Topsy was with her the whole day. 

‘Hi, darling,’ she says softly. 

Caroline looks up and promptly abandons Topsy on the chair as she runs to her, holding up her arms to be picked up. She bends and lifts her daughter, settling her on her hip, and looks into her eyes. Her daughter looks back at her, her gaze filled with so much trust and love she wants to weep. She loves this child, her child, more than anyone or anything in the world. How can she be so… unwanted, inconvenient, to the other people who are meant to love her?

‘Mommy sad?’ Caroline asks, and she does start to cry at that, resting her forehead against her daughter’s and closing her eyes. She can feel Caroline wrap her arms around her neck and her daughter hums softly. She strokes Caroline’s hair with one hand, taking deep breaths to settle herself. She wipes away her tears when the apartment phone rings; with Caroline still in her arms she goes to tell the doorman to send the delivery man up. 

 

When the pizza has been delivered, she brings the box to the kitchen, her daughter on her heels. She opens the box so the pizza can cool and settles Caroline in her high chair. Her daughter watches her cut up a slice for her and she fills her sippy cup with water, finally placing her meal on the high chair tray. She then gets her own slice. 

They each eat two slices and she wraps up the remaining two for tomorrow morning… or later tonight, if she's hungry. She gets Caroline down from her high chair and they go to her bathroom to wash her hands and brush her teeth. She looks up at her. 

‘Mary Poppins?’ she asks. 

She chuckles. ‘Only a little bit.’

Caroline smiles and nods in agreement and she looks down at her daughter. She's tall and willowy for her age and she looks so sweet in her little white nightgown, her feet bare. Her chin-length auburn hair is tucked behind her ears. God, her daughter. She's the most beautiful, precious person in the world. How lucky she is to be her mother.

‘Let's put the movie on in my room,’ she tells Caroline. Caroline looks eager, as though this is a great treat, which after all it is. She is not allowed in the bedroom she shares with Ben under any circumstances usually. Ben was insistent that they have a space “not consumed by your child,” he'd said. But he's not here, and even though Caroline was born almost two years ago she misses being as close to her daughter as she was when she was pregnant. She'll never have that again, with either Caroline or another baby, and that fills her with grief. But snuggling with her daughter in her comfortable bed can assuage it a bit. 

‘Why don't you use the bathroom, darling, and I'll get the movie ready?’

‘Okay Mommy,’ Caroline agrees, and she leaves the bathroom to get the film from the living room.

When she returns to her room, Caroline has snuggled up in bed under the covers on Ben’s side of the bed. She’s tucked Topsy in next to her and she looks so sweet, so perfect. Her daughter looks up and smiles at her and she smiles back.

‘Ready for the movie?’ she asks, and Caroline nods eagerly. She crosses the room to the television and pops the tape into the VCR. The movie starts to play and her daughter is immediately captivated. She just wants to cuddle up with her, to hold her daughter in her arms and close her eyes and just enjoy this moment of peace. But she needs to email her husband and tell him that they’re going up to Connecticut tomorrow.

‘I’ll be right back, sweetheart,’ she says to her daughter, who nods, her eyes fixed on the film. She watches her for a moment more before slipping out of the room and down the hall to her office.

The computer turns on and she opens her email. She has one from Ben.

 _The book tour is going well,_ he writes. _I’m in Seattle now. I have a few days off starting tomorrow so I will be going to visit my sister. I resume the book tour next Friday; the next stop is Richmond. I hope you are well. I love you._

She rests her head in her hands for a moment. He has more than a week off and instead of coming home he goes to see his sister… and he doesn’t even mention Caroline in his email. How heartbreaking this is… 

She writes back, _I hope your visit goes well. Please give her our love. Caroline and I are going to Connecticut tomorrow. I love you._

She sends it without bothering to add anything else.

Right now she’s glad that they don’t often speak on the phone when he’s out of town, because she wouldn’t be able to mask the sorrow in her voice. How did they get to this point? How did she get here?

She finds it ironic that she, who is supposed to have all the answers to the mysteries of the human mind, is unable to answer the most basic questions about her own life.

She has another email, one from Nicky. She clicks on it and opens it, her best friend’s writing so distinctively him that she smiles involuntarily.

_Lilibet!_

_It’s been way too long since we’ve seen each other, but I’m FINALLY back from Germany and have a ton of new ideas for my next project. Can I see you and my darling goddaughter soon please? I have so much to tell you… and so many presents for our Sweet Caroline. I know that you're wrinkling your nose, but remember, it's my job to spoil her! Call me or email me and let me know when you're free._

Thank God for Nicky, she thinks again, for the millionth time. He, at least, loves and cherishes Caroline. When he’s in town, he sees her at least once a week. During the summer, he comes out to the Hamptons when they are there so that he can be with them, taking his goddaughter to the beach club and out for ice cream. He had a small house just down the beach from Peter and Miranda’s and he just… he loves Caroline so much. He makes space for her in his life. It’s a relief to her that one of the people who is supposed to love Caroline actually does.

Her parents do too, of course, and Peter and Miranda. She’s been spending more time with her parents than she has in years for many reasons--it’s nice for Caroline to have space to be outdoors that isn’t shared with eight million people, as wonderful as Central Park is. And her parents adore their granddaughter. They are so involved--they love to spend time with her, to read to her, and her mother especially loves shopping for her. She’s glad they don’t need to pack for their visit tomorrow--both she and Caroline have full wardrobes up at Southerly.

She wonders if Teddy and Chrissy will be bringing the children up this weekend. She should call them and see. All of her cousins have children, but somehow she seems more distant to them than she’s been all her life. All but Teddy and Chrissy. Eliza is only nine months older than Caroline, and they love each other, and their sons are so sweet. They spend a lot of time together.

Yes, she will call them and see if they can come up. And she’ll see if Nicky can come this weekend too. Her parents adore him--they’ve known him since he was four--and he’s a part of the family. She’ll call him when they get to Connecticut and see if he can spend the weekend with them.

She turns off her laptop and exits her office, turning off the lights. She double-checks that the front door is locked, turns off the lights in the living room, and goes back down the hallway to her bedroom.

Caroline is asleep, her head resting on the pillow, her breathing deep and even. Topsy is held tight in her arms and oh, she looks so sweet and perfect and beautiful. Her daughter.

She turns off the movie and the television, then turns off the overhead light. She changes into a nightgown. Her bedside light is still on, and she climbs into bed next to her daughter, turning to look at her precious child.

Caroline’s long lashes cast shadows on her cheeks and she has the faintest smattering of freckles across her nose. She reaches out and strokes her hair, tucking a lock behind her ear. She leans forward and kisses her forehead, then turns off the light and burrows under the covers. She rests her hand on her daughter’s stomach, feeling her steady breathing, in, out, in.

She closes her eyes and slowly matches her breathing to her daughter's. The rain begins to fall outside, pattering on the window. With Caroline’s warm, heavy weight beside her, she drifts off to sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> "Nicky" is Nick from the 1990 film _Metropolitan_.
> 
> 5/20/19: This fic has been edited to make it canon-compliant in regards to Ben's children.


End file.
